Welcome to the 7th Annual Alt.Obituaries Deadpool Awards Ceremony, also known as the Moxies. We are so sorry about the late date for the Moxie Awards Show this year, but no matter what state we went to to rent a convention center, every place was booked. We tried Davenport, Iowa; Burlington, New Hampshire; Charleston, South Carolina. We even tried Tampa, Florida. No luck.

Everywhere we went there were these vicious, anti-American protesters (Republicans) holding up signs that screamed "Newt, He Will Colonize the Moon" [1] or "Mitt, I Have No Principles Whatsofuckingever" [2] or " Vote for the Half-Baked Runt" [3] and "A Frothy Mix of Lube and Fecal Matter that is Sometimes the Byproduct of Anal Sex" [4]. I mean, it was just crazy.

Finally, we were able to lease the ballroom at the Beverly Hilton Hotel in Beverly Hills. You know, the same place the Golden Globes are hosted. This was a fucking dream come true. Sun, sand, beach bunnies, shopping on Rodeo Drive, maybe a quick blow job from Sofía Vergara ... So we get to the hotel ... We have our luggage (and Amelia does not pack light), our entourage, trunks full of awards ... and the ENTIRE GODDAMN BUILDING is taped off ...

Anyway, in the longstanding tradition of alt.obituaries, it wasn't our fault, so it must have been someone else's fault. We finally settled on a lovely venue just outside of Branson, Missouri. About forty miles outside of Branson, Missouri ... Give or take 10-12 ... Thirty miles or so ... So we're coming to you tonight LIVE from the world famous Chesterfield Lounge in lively downtown Southwest City. [5]

The 2011 game was a somewhat bittersweet contest in that we lost two deadpool players. Yes, Doubletap died and Erik cried. We lost Erik because he couldn't have his own way. Erik left in a snit because he thought we were tasteless (and we are) and abusive to — get this — one of the late Osama bin Laden's closest friends. Erik thought we were tasteless and abusive ... Erik. Of all people. Erik, who once told a distraught woman that her missing cat was on the menu of a Chinese restaurant. Erik, for chrissakes! Of all the freakin' nerve ...

Alright, let us now switch to my co-host, the lovely Amelia ...

Thank you, Bill.

Without further ado, the 2011 Moxie GOLD goes to Morris the Cat, who scored 225 points with 19 hits. That point total is second only to Acctorp's 273 points from the 2006 game. Morris also hit for the cycle twice. As of his hit on Eleanor Mondale in September, Morris the Cat had exactly 100 times more points than RH Draney, who had exactly two.

On 5 June (a couple of weeks after his Daily Double hit on Mose Jefferson/Ron Springs), Morris the Cat wrote us: "Call me a pessimist, but I can't believe I somehow caught up to and passed DDT in the standings. I just know that won't last. ;-)"

With his hit on Frank Bender all the way back in July, Morris the Cat surpassed Ed V's winning total of 150 for all of 2010.

And lastly, I have been feeling guilty for two years because I asked him to change his player name from Morris the Cat's 9 (+31) Lives to Morris the Cat. Now I'm thinking I brought him luck. Enjoy the Moxie, Morris.

Winning the SILVER was our good friend from across the pond, DDT. Our good friend because he wrote updates when I asked him to. And keep the cards and letters coming in, folks. DDT sent us an email to announce (in early July) that all the Ks on his list had died in alphabetical order. That's impressive. By all means, tell us about stuff like that. We have a file at the mailbox called Scoring Tidbits, I kid you not.

Allen Kirshner, who always has something worthwhile to add to alt.obituaries, walks away with the BRONZE. Actually, Allen Kirshner always has a lot to WHINE about before the year arguing about his list. But we always kiss and make up by the time the pool begins. Congratulations on getting the bronze. You're probably sitting there thinking, if she had let me have all those other people, I'd be on top. Too fucking bad, Allen.

Rounding out the top-ten are new New Yorker Ed V, combative Gerard Tierney, rulebreaker Mark, quiet but steady Dead People Server, Fist-Pumper Denise, landsman Allezblancs, and Beautiful Bill Schenley, who sneaked into the top-ten with a Daily Double in the last fifteen days of the game.

So now on to some other Moxie Awards:

Sadly, we hand out the YOUNGEST HIT OF THE YEAR AWARD to Allen Kirshner, Allezblancs, Brigid, Busgal, Chaptal, Dead People Server, Deepstblu, Denise, Fireball, Jenstrikesagain, Jim Thornton, Kathypig1, Mark, Moldy Oldies, Sarndra, The Wiz and Undertaker. They all hit with Amy Winehouse, the deeply flawed but immensely talented singer/songwriter who died from alcohol poisoning last July. Love might be a losing game, but not the AO Deadpool — they each got 25 points for the tattooed talent who should have stayed in rehab.

This year Constant Irritant walks away with the coveted ANOTHER DEAD MIDGET AWARD. CI had both Karl Slover and Peter Falk on her 2011 Wish List. She gets this award because I like the idea that she, too, enjoys seeing the little elfin creatures run over.

What a segue to the next award. The always popular NO FUCKING ATTACHMENTS AWARD goes to the clueless dwarf, Mark. I hope there is no one wondering how he won such an award.

St. Louis Moe walks away with the DIM REAPER AWARD. He had zero hits. And I mean, Zee-Fucking-Row. What kind of psychopath would put both Stan Musial and Albert Pujols on the same deadpool list? You people in Missouri, is it something in the water?

The ONE-HIT WONDER AWARD, which as we explain every year to the dim souls who play this game means one fucking hit over the course of 365 days, is shared by Baseball Art (Sara Douglass), Bushwhacker (David Broder), King Daevid (Elizabeth Taylor), O'Wilner (Harmon Killebrew), Meadow (James Arness) and Team Bubba (Anne McCaffrey). Actually, it's kind of cool that they were all different.

The PHILIP AWARD goes to the person who had the most hits with no solos. Philip hasn't played in years, but we honor his memory by presenting this prestigious award to Loki, who had 11 hits by copying others in the pool.

The AMELIA AWARD (formerly the I WALK ALONE award) for the person with the most hits with the most number of solos goes to BUFORD who had 11 hits, 6 solos and still managed to finish in a measly 25th place. That's because he pulls his dying out of pickling barrels.

The RIDICULOUSLY OBVIOUS DEATH AWARD was hard to pick. Christopher Hitchens? Elizabeth Taylor? Amy Winehouse? Liz was dying for decades, Winehouse was rumored to have cleaned up her act. I'm going with the folks who chose Hitchens. We knew his chemo schedule, we knew his follicle count, we knew where he was going and it wasn't heaven. Even I picked him. Doesn't get more obvious than that. Congratulations to Allen Kirshner, me, Bill Schenley, Born with the Defect, Charlene, Chipmunk Roasting, DDT, Denise, Ed V, Erik, Hulka, Loki, Mark, Monarc, Morris the Cat and Tim J.

Last year's winner of the LET'S FUCK WITH THE IMDb AWARD was Eternity Tours. However, this year the award goes to ... Wait a minute ... There is no LET'S FUCK WITH THE IMDb AWARD this year. No ... This year the award is being called LET'S FUCK WITH THE GRAMMYS, and the lovely paper-mache statuette goes to Busgal, who grabbed a butcher knife and carved her way through Country Music, leaving a half-dozen bodies behind her. (For her part, Busgal insists it was only five country-musical bodies. The sixth belonged to Amy Winehouse.)

And the IN THE COMPANY OF STRANGERS AWARD has traditionally gone to the AWOL 'tard, but without him there is no reason to give out the award. No one else is that strange. So unless he makes a return visit, which we believe is highly unlikely, Erik and his award are dead to us.

The ROOKIE OF THE YEAR AWARD goes to Gerard Tierney. He runs his own deadpool, so he thought he was hot stuff coming into ours. And, lo and behold, he is, finishing in 5th place with 15 hits. Not only that, he hit for the cycle in his first four hits: Tony DiPardo (solo), William Donald Schaefer (duet) and José Alencar (trio).

You'd think in a year that saw the death of Osama bin Laden, those people would get the PUBLIC SERVICE AWARD. We think differently. It goes to ???Guest because she knocked off two of the world's worst people, Gaddafi and Kim Jong-il. Why she had Ryan O'Neal on her list and not bin Laden is a mystery to me. Everyone who knocked off Osama gets honorable mention.

BEST UPDATE WRITING AWARD goes to Charlene. You know how this goes. I shouldn't give it to anyone in particular. They were all great. But we have to give credit where credit is due. Charlene came through time and time again with the most wonderfully written, insightful summaries of our hits' lives. I threw away my Antoinette Grimaldi and replaced it with hers. She took hard ones and made them sing.

Special, and I do mean special mention goes to the poetry of Jim Thornton, the splendid writing of David Broder and Steve Jobs from Brave Last Dave, Hulka's delicious Spelling Bee champ, Fireball's fantastic Nate Dogg, JD's Kevorkian and Gayler, Wendy's Bil Keane, my Phoebe Snow, all of Brad's, especially the snarky Andy Rooney and his combo with Matt Hubbard on Sid Melton. And having just revisited the whole year, I realize that Bill Schenley did most of them, and every one was special in its own fucking way. Especially Osama bin Laden.

THINGS WE LIKED

Elizabeth Taylor had 25 hits, Kim Jong-il had 24. Does this mean something?

Brad's comment on October 22, "There are more dead Arabs in this year's pool than in the last three remakes of Beau Geste."

RH Draney had exactly two hits in 2011, on Jack LaLanne and Alan Sues, who died 312 days apart. This is probably a record-sized gap for somebody with only two hits all year.

Born with the Defect had two very classy solos, Marian Mercer and Clarence Clemons. Other solos we liked: Pat Peeve's Yelena Bonner. dannyb's Rosalyn Yalow. Exuma got a pair of fives for Jane Russell. Kixco's Len Lesser, Dead People Server's Hugh Martin, DGH's Jack Layton, Beth & Teresa's Frances Bay and Sid Melton, Joe Simon from The Wiz, Leonard Stone from Garrett, Duke Snider from Chipmunk Roasting, Getty from Kathi, Cliff Robertson from Koko-Moxie.

Then there was the bizarre duet for Sarndra and Jazz Vulture on opposite sides of the world for Kiwi Judith Binney. The Daily Double Tongue Twister of Anwar al-Awlaki and Mike Heimerdinger for Deceased Hose. Hulka's Daily Musician Double of Mick Karn and Gerry Rafferty. Mo's Peter Falk and Gene Colan. And the wonderful day when we had not one but two Daily Doubles: Bill's Hitchens and Andy Carey, and Charlene's Hitchens and Jason Richards.

Strange trio of hits from Grim McGraw with Milly Del Rubio, Al Davis and Alan Sues. Feminist Brigid only killed off women. Walking Dead Dude only did dudes.

And last, we can't say enough about Brad Ferguson and his fabulous work with the website (http://ao-deadpool.com/). You have no idea what went on behind the scenes. It was a fucking nightmare this year. He went above and beyond the call of duty and he continues to do so. He organized this year's list of entries. He keeps the website up to date, and I don't even have to pay him. No matter how much pressure he was under, Brad always came through for us. I believe he deserves some sugar-free Moxie. What do you say, Mark?

Same time, next year, folks. Enjoy the pool.

-----

Bill's Footnotes

[1] I was able to snap a few photos of the wife of the guy who wants to be the moon colonizer:

[1] http://tinyurl.com/6qxqhje

[1] http://tinyurl.com/77unjo6

[2] http://tinyurl.com/899h5cg

[3] http://tinyurl.com/74lbxna

[4] http://tinyurl.com/7k396jk

[4] http://tinyurl.com/8yf8meo

[5] http://tinyurl.com/84lqw4d