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Once again, Bill, Brad and I would like to welcome all of you to the 2012 AO Deadpool Awards Show. We would like to apologize in advance if the show goes over into your nightly news broadcast, but often some of the acceptance speeches get, shall we say, lengthy.
Before we get to the main event, we would like to point out a few of the oddities, quirks and funny little things we loved about the 2012 game, like ...
FUN FACT
Of the 126 hits this year, just about half were solos. Which means that people are learning how to play the fucking game, finally.
FUN FACT
An AO Deadpool Record was set with a 34-way tie for 15th place the day Etta James died At Last.
FUN FACT
???Guest kept her souls alive the longest this year. Didn't get her first hit (Robert Bork) until December 19.
DAILY DOUBLE FUN FACT
There were 16 Daily Doubles the day al-Megrahi and that Gibb brother died. Morris the Cat becomes the first player in Moxie history to score a daily double with two solos (Ben Gazzara, Norton Zinder). And she had the other one, too.
OTHER THINGS/HITS WE LOVED
B&T's Characters' trio of Leonardo Cimino, Warren Stewart and William Windom. Chipmunk Roasting's three Canadian solos: Gunther Plaut, Trent Frayne and Lincoln Alexander (update coming). Drunkasaskunk's two Scottish solos, David Peat and Edward Short. EdV's Patches the Clown, and the update we're still waiting for.
Garrett only had three hits, all solos (Richard Adler, Turhan Bey, and Hans Werner Henze). Sad Last Dave, depending on the Brave Last Days of the tabloids and ending up right smack in the middle of the pack.
SOLOS WE LOVED
Dannyb's Charles Colson, RH Draney's Dick Tufeld, Keister Button's Lucille Bliss, Fireball's Frederica Maas, Kixco's Steve Franken, Mo's Vidal Sassoon, Monarc's Robert Hegyes, Pat Peeve's LeRoy Neiman, and Sarndra for somehow knowing that Neil Armstrong had taken his last step on earth and maybe even the moon.
ONE-HIT WONDERMENT
???Guest, Bushwhacker, Jim Thornton, Team Bubba and Wendy all had one hit, and they were each unique (Robert Bork, Arlen Spector, Patrick Moore, Phyllis Diller and Ernest Borgnine).
UPDATES WE LOVED
We loved them all because you took the time to write them and write them well. But, especially, Gerard Tiernee's Kevin White, Frank Sanders and Steve Van Buren; Hulka's William Heirens and Encyclopedia Brown; Bill's Etta James and Joe Paterno; Matt Hubbard's Dick Clark; Brad's Mike Wallace; EVERYTHING written by Charlene, Wendy and Jim Thornton, and of course Busgal. Oh, johnnyb wrote a great one. They are all so wonderful, they are worth a re-read.
So Now, on with THE MOXIE AWARDS
(In No Particular Order)
ROOKIE OF THE YEAR
There were a lot of new players this year, and some of them were excellent right out of the gate, but one has to be the best. And so we bestow this award on WEP, our only (as far as we know) German in the pool, who finished in 14th place with 6 hits. He's a very good player, often writes updates, and will win some kind of award next year for having the most people on his 2013 list replaced by the Rules Committee. He was very good-natured about it. We must give Dianagram second place, and all the other newbies — Keister Button, TGV, Where's my damn list?, Reporter Man, johnsbowers, HAWTHORN Tom, and Jason Smith — third place. Great rookie field this year.
TENACITY AWARD
This is the award that goes to the hits that sat on a list the longest. Like from the beginning. Kathi (Leila Denmark), johnnyb (Amos Vogel), and Amelia, who somehow couldn't manage to ice mobster Henry Hill until this year.
THE AMELIA AWARD
Once known as the I WALK ALONE AWARD, this goes to the player who gets the most hits with the most solos. This year the winner is DDT, who scored 6 solos with his second-place showing. DDT also gets the ALPHABET AWARD. All four of his S's were dead in the correct order by the end of March. Last year, his K's did the same thing but took longer. That's just weird.
THE RIDICULOUSLY OBVIOUS DEATH AWARD
goes to Abby, Allen Kirshner, Allezblancs, Another Lurker, Bill Schenley, Buford, Chaptal, Charlene, Chipmunk Roasting, Constant Irritant, DDT, Dead People Server, Deceased Hose, Denise, DGH, Dianagram, Direcorbie, Drunkasaskunk, EdV, Eternity Tours, Fireball, Gerard Tiernee, Grim McGraw, Happy No Year, HAWTHORN Tom, Hulka, Jason Smith, Jazz Vulture, JTH, Kathi, Keister Button, King Daevid, Loki, Mark, Mo, Moldy Oldies, Monarc, Morris the Cat, Ray Arthur, Reporter Man, Roxanne Wiggs, The Wiz, Tim J., Walking Dead Dude, WEP, Where's my damn list?, and Worm Farmer for picking the ridiculously obvious Etta James, who had more people counting on her eight points than any other hit in the seven years of the AO Deadpool.
THE DIM REAPER AWARD
has been won by Lurker3791 who, even with Etta James puking her life away on his shoes, couldn't manage to make the connection and put her on his list. Way to go, Lurker. Even I put a sure thing or two on my list of British Jewish historians.
THE IF YOU CAN'T PLAY IT, WRITE IT AWARD
goes to HAWTHORN Tom, who did get four hits but also wrote the best book on obituaries that's come out in years. Buy it. Read it. Commit it to memory. Deadlines: Obits of Memorable British Columbians is not the sexiest title, but this obit book is fantastic — AND, as an added bonus, AO gets a shout-out from the author. If you love obits, no matter where you live, you will love this book. The obituary of Patrick Dalzel-Job, a retired chemistry teacher, is a good example. A very famous author known for a famous character confided in Mr. Dalzel-Job that the character was based on him. Buy the book here.
THE BULLDOG AWARD
This goes to Allen Kirshner, who argued for the good part of a fucking year about the eligibility of an extremely minor functionary from Australia named Barry Blaikie who never, ever got an obit. (Americans, think the 1962-64 comp-fucking-troller from East Fucking Jesus, Utah.) Allen sent us PDF files of the official proceedings of the Western Australian Legislative Assembly, responses from the leaders of the Opposition, the Deputy Leader of the Native Party, and the Minister of Transport. He even wrote the obit himself. He didn't give up. But, then, neither did we. Nice try, Allen, and congratulations. And the YOUNGEST HIT OF THE YEAR WHO WAS NOT IN A FUCKING COMA AWARD also goes to Allen Kirshner for his late-in-the-game hit with fellow Canadian Greg Herbert, 37, whose fame just about reached the Ottawa city limits. Then there's Bill Schenley, Gerard Tiernee and WEP, who picked a 16-year-old girl who was IN A FUCKING COMA. You three douche bags get no award.
THE LET'S FUCK WITH THE GRAMMYS AWARD
This always popular award again goes to Busgal, who had Johnny Otis, Earl Scruggs, Dick Clark, Robin Gibb, Doc Watson, Andy Griffith, Tony Martin and Andy Williams among her 12 hits. I swear, Janice must have been skipping the light fandango with the Grim Reaper himself.
THE PHILIP AWARD
This year's Philip Award once again goes to Loki, but this time he shares the golden statuette with Worm Farmer. They both had eleven hits with no solos.
THE FUTILITY AWARD
goes to Keister Button for reaching double digits in hits (10) and ending up in 31st place with only 43 points. How fucking exciting.
Now before we move on to the three awards you have all been waiting for, let's note the rest of the Top Ten. After all, this might be all the fame any of them ever receive.
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4
5
6
7
8
9
10
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Bill Schenley
Allen Kirshner
Drunkasaskunk
Mo
Deceased Hose
Allezblancs
Hulka |
146 points and 10 hits
106 points and 10 hits
105 points and 12 hits
105 points and 12 hits
102 points and 12 hits
102 points and 09 hits
98 points and 10 hits |
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Can I have the envelope for the Bronze Award?
What do you mean we don't have any envelopes?
Where are the fucking envelopes?
You WHAT?
You used all the goddamn envelopes to write fan letters to Emilia Clarke? Why?
I saw her boobs.
The BRONZE MEDAL AWARD goes to Morris the Cat, who won the 2011 AO Deadpool Gold. Morris had more hits in the 2012 game than she did in 2011, but fewer points than the year before. I guess she didn't like the Moxie. Who can blame her? Congrats, Morris the Cat. I still feel bad for shortening your name.
The winner of the SILVER MEDAL AWARD is DDT, with 18 hits and 223 points. DDT was also the SILVER MEDAL AWARD winner in the 2011 game, where he scored 171 points with 16 hits. He REALLY doesn't like Moxie. He proves it every fucking year.
Before we announce the winner of the 2012 AO Deadpool game, we would like to thank the incomparable Brad Ferguson for the fabulous job he has done with our website. We can't thank you enough, Brad. And a round of applause for Mark, who sent out the Moxie, a t-shirt and a video of the guy who runs the MOXIE store somewhere up in Maine, congratulating the winner of the GOLD MOXIE ...
And that winner would be ... oh, now what? You found a fucking envelope? Jesus Fucking Christ. The winner wants us to know that he ends his name with a "y" and not an "e." Okay, okay, we'll be sure to write "Gerard Tierney" on your Moxie bottle.
From fifth place to first in just his second year of playing, Gerard Tierney has proven that he's the one to beat from here on in. As Corby pointed out, it took only 64 days from the start of the year until March for GT to register his tenth hit. But he didn't get his first hit until January 21, which means he recorded 10 hits in 43 days.
18 hits, 251 points, 5 solos, 3 duets, 5 trios. That's a champ. And he wrote updates, and they were beautiful. But the best part? He did something not many people do. HE THANKED MARK FOR SENDING THE MOXIE. That's two in a row for the thank-you notes. And according to Mark, this is after he said it tasted like rancid coffee, but didn't spit it out.* That's a winner!
What more can we say?
Not a goddamned thing.
Good night, all!
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*Gerard Tierney responds: "When I read that, I almost spit out my Moxie. What I actually said was, 'I wouldn't have spit it out if it tasted like rancid coffee.' Lest there be any confusion ... and this may be a precedent ... but I like the Moxie."
And now we're done! See you next year! |
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