Welcome once again to the Moxies, the 5th Annual Alt.Obituaries Deadpool Awards Ceremony where there is no red carpet, there are no designer gowns or snazzy tuxes, there are no prepared speeches or embarrassing gaffes. I'm Amelia, and this is Bill, and ... Bill, why are you wearing a tuxedo?

Bill: It's an awards show. Everyone wears a tux to ...

Amelia: They can't see you ... Where was I? Oh, yes ... You can even be fat at this awards ceremony. In fact, many of us are! Just look at Bill.

Bill: You said they couldn't see me ...

And the best part? At this awards ceremony, the In Memoriam begins the show. What the hell, it ends it, too.

So another year goes by and, defying all odds, we're still here to wrap it up. Who knew? So let's not push our luck and get right to it.

Here are the numbers. 70 players, 120 hits, 77 solos, The average hit age was about 81. (So we don't have to feel guilty and explain ourselves to those idiots who say we're being macabre.)

Bill: What do you mean? We are being macabre. Why, we've even talked about pushing old picks out of taxi cabs ...

Amelia: He was gonna die anyway. But I digress.

The first hit was a very, very old lady, the last was a blind Muslim cleric. The youngest was 27 and she was worth an extra 25 points to EdV, JD, JohnnyB (Will the rhyming continue??) Sarndra and Yersinia Pestis. (Nah.) And that's significant. Because although DDT, a spectacular contestant, was in first place for most of the year, EdV caught him at the end and keeps the crown on his head.

For the second year in a row EdV takes home THE MOXIE AWARD! He won with fewer hits than last year — 14 — but they were worth more, I guess. And not a wrestler in the bunch. Nice work, Ed, and we're all looking forward to your video wrap-up. If you don't want the Moxie sent to you, you'll have to take that up with Mark. (Good luck with that.)

The SILVER goes to a new player, DDT, who would have remained in first if he had gotten on the Jade Goody bandwagon. 13 hits for DDT, three of them solos. Despite his second place finish, DDT is thrilled not to have to argue with Mark about sending Moxie overseas.

The BRONZE goes to another new player, Mr. Brink, who decided for 2010 to concentrate on his own deadpool. He had 13 hits as well, and 4 solos. We'll miss the competition this year, Mr. Brink, and be well.

Without a doubt, THE ROOKIE OF THE YEAR AWARD for the 2009 AO Deadpool season goes to DDT, who had 13 hits (an average of 13.31 points per hit) and 171 points. You may not be allowed to kill bedbugs anymore, but you sure as hell know how to knock off a deadpool.

The very prestigious LET'S FUCK WITH THE IMDb AWARD goes to ... Busgal, with 9 of her eleven deadpool hits appearing on the IMDb.

And then there is the prized DONNIE MOORE MEMORIAL AWARD, given annually to the deadpool player who has successfully chosen the most major league baseball players. This year that would be Dead Batteries for tagging out Billy Werber (who was also the oldest living Yankee), Herman Franks and Tommy Henrich (who was, in a cruel twist of fate after the death of Werber, the oldest living Yankee). Also on Dead Batteries' list was Jimmy Piersall's swell old man, John.

THE COMPANY OF STRANGERS AWARD goes to Erik. I know, I know, you're all wondering why Erik gets this award every year. This is what happened, initially, years ago, back when the AO Deadpool was at the dawn of its creation, when Druids walked the Earth, the CoSA was given to two dissimilar people who shared the most number of hits together. That was all fine and fucking dandy when there were only fifteen deadpool players. Now there are too many to try and figure out a Stranger Duo. So, because Erik continues to be so fucking strange, and because we here at the AO Deadpool believe in tradition ... he gets the fucking award.

The Internet abounds with many Sick and Dying lists which are available to deadpool players throughout the year. Prominent on last year's lists were the names of six celebrities who were given little or no chance of singing Auld Lang Syne on New Year's Eve. They were Patrick Swayze, Ted Kennedy, Susan Atkins, Farrah Fawcett, Bob Novak and British actor Wendy Richard. In other words, they were really flippin' obvious. This year's GIMME A FUCKING BREAK AWARD goes to Mr. Brink, Denise, Erik and Philip. Remember Richard Widmark's Tommy Udo (you know, the old woman in the wheelchair) in the movie "Kiss of Death?" These guyzez is da' AO Deadpool's Tommy Udo.

The HOW DID YOU FRICKEN' KNOW AWARD has been won by an incredible 19 deadpool players: Abby, Another Lurker, Bushwhacker, Chaptal, Constant Irritant, Dead People Server, Denise, DGH, Erik, Jazz Vulture, JD, Jenstrikesagain, Max Weder, The Monkey Farm, Sarndra, Sis, Starfish, Team Bubba and ???Guest. All, for some unexplained reason, put on their dancing shoes and moonwalked right the fuck over Michael Jackson's grave.

Last year's BOOK-BURNING AWARD was handed out to several players. This year the award goes only to Philip, who red-penciled four journalists/authors (or at least pretended to be authors): Ted Kennedy, Dominick Dunne, Jerri Nielsen and John Mortimer. Philip also had Robert Novak on his list, but he doesn't count.

And now for the SUSAN HAYWARD AWARD which, at one time was known as the I Walk Alone Award. Why was the name of the award changed, you ask? Because Amelia, who always wins the award (which is for the most solos) looks a great deal like Susan Hayward. May I have the envelope, please ... Thank you. And the winner *is* ... AMELIA. No, wait! It's a tie. Fireball had 6 ancient corpse solos. Grrr.

And the AMAZING FALL FROM GRACE AWARD goes to Bill Schenley, who ended the previous year in second place and closed out the 2009 deadpool year in 30th place. However, we would be remiss if we failed to mention Dead People Server's 26th place finish this year after taking home the BRONZE last year.

This year's ONE-HIT WONDER AWARD goes to Mark's brother-in-law, The O'Wilners, who appears to be even more clueless than Mark himself. In a deadpool year that produced Ted Kennedy, Susan Atkins *and* Patrick Swazye, the O'Wilners get *one* freakin' hit ... and it wasn't any of those three. Still, it's better than they did last year. Hey, Mark, yeah, you ... What's the official state slogan for Maine, "The Way Retards Should Be?" Boy, did they ever get that one right.

I'm just glad the next award has been won by someone other than a deadpool staffer. Fortunately for us, this year the DIM REAPER AWARD goes to Wendy, who actually got fewer hits than the O'Wilners. Which is to say, zilch.

The PAINFULLY OBVIOUS SOLO AWARD will not be given this year. For obvious reasons. Oh, what the hell. Let's give it to Eternity Tours. Jennifer Jones was a big movie star! And she was as old as the hills!

The BABY KILLER AWARD goes to those of you who poke holes in Voodoo dolls usually under the age of 30. This year there were five of you: EdV, JD, JohnnyB, Sarndra and Yersinia Pestis. After everything Jade Goody did to elevate Britain's sordid entertainment industry, you people should be ashamed.

The PHILIP AWARD. This goes to the player who had the most hits with no solos. That would be the old fist-pumper, Denise.

The JUST CAUGHT MY EYE AWARD, which may or may not be an award next year, has been won by King Daevid, in 63rd place, and Mister Selina, in 64th place, both of whom had four hits and 14 points (tie goes to the alphabet). KD's scored like this, 2-5-2-5 and MS scored 5-2-5-2. Okay, it probably won't be an award next year.

As usual, the RIDICULOUSLY OBVIOUS DEATH AWARD goes to those of you who picked the most ridiculously obvious death or, in this case, the pansy-assed weenies who penciled in their dance card with Patrick Swayze's near-lifeless name. Didn't 2009 bring the "Dirty Dancing" star enough problems without you forty-plus wretchtards piling it on? Names that will live in infamy: The Wiz, Direcorbie, Nova Cassius, Dead People Server, Mr. Brink, JD, Busgal, fist-pumping Denise Perry, Allezblancs, Buford, Sis, Abby, Philip, Moldy Oldies, DDT, Jazz Vulture, Kathi, EdV, Constant Irritant, Another Lurker, The Death Eaters, DGH, Charlene, Erik, Allen Kirshner, Max Weder, Monarc, Hulka, Eternity Tours, Bushwhacker, Kixco, Ray Arthur, Starfish, Kathypig, Undertaker, Garrett, Mark, I Drink Your Milkshake, Yersinia Pestis and ... and ... and ... uh ... Bill Schenley.

Oh, man! How cool is the RIPPED FROM THE HEADLINES AWARD for this year? Last year the headlines from Los Angeles blared: "M*A*S*H Creator Larry Gelbart Has Died." And within moments, Larry Gelbart was not only denying his demise to the news media but to us, too, right here at alt.obituaries. What was really cool — as the words came out of his mouth — he was already a rotting corpse and didn't know it. This year's winners: Dead People Server, Denise, DGH and Ray Arthur all recognized the stink of death before Mr. Gelbart did.

Although not an annual award, because sometimes fucktards just won't die for us, we do have a winner for the PUBLIC SERVICE AWARD. Nova Cassius had both Robert McNamara and Susan Atkins down for a double date in Hell.

The MANY MANY THANKS AWARD has to go to Buford, who has, for five years, been the master of our website. We've given him a leave of absence so he can get on with his life. It was hard work, getting it all up on the site, figuring out all those insane statistics, and dealing with my insistence on perfect grammar, spelling and punctuation. Now it's Brad's turn. Heh, heh.

BEST GUEST UPDATE AWARD. This award was won one day in 2009 when Brad Ferguson drank some Moxie and produced three stunning guest updates, one after the other. Larry Gelbart, Army Archerd and Patrick Swayze. But he also had to do Soupy Sales and Sidney Zion and Walter Cronkite and a bunch more, each one better than the next. While we're grateful for all the help we get, this was above and beyond the call of duty. For his reward, he gets to do the new website.

THINGS WE LIKED: Koko-Moxie (Larry Miller) and Jim Thornton (John Updike) each had one solo hit, each wrote the updates, and neither scored again. (How cool is that?) Another Lurker's solo of Tapan Sinha, because it engendered a perfect Schenley parody. Charlene's Griffin Bell, Fireball's Hortense Calisher, Garrett's Kathleen Byron and Lukas Foss, Dannyb's Milton Lewis and Sidney Zion, Deepstblu's Budd Schulberg, Busgal's Mary Travers, Max Weder's William Safire, R H Draney's Vic Mizzy, Brigid's Edward Woodward, Jazz Vulture's Al Alberts and Arnold Stang. McKie's classy quartet of hits, two of them titled. ????Guest with her list of 40 evil MF's, somehow only managing to take out Michael Jackson.

SHOUT OUTS TO: Matt Kruk for writing an update when he doesn't even play the game. Busgal for being so diligent with the posts at the Facebook group. (Easy to find. Just friend one of us and you'll see it.)

AND FINALLY ... we'd like to thank all of you ... for being so patient, so nice, so complimentary and for finally (almost) learning the alphabet.

Our new website is www.ao-deadpool.com. It's a work in progress. It will be up-to-date very soon. Give it some time. It is on the way to being wonderful.

And now for the final standings, which I'm taking from the aodeadpool site. So if there's a complaint, speak to Jim Daggy.